Wednesday, January 16, 2013

OF DUMPSTER DIVERS AND KENYAN BABY DADDYS


(Revised edition)
‘CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You’re going to be a daddy.’ You stare at the woman in front of you wondering why she looks so familiar.

Then it hits you. OH CRAP&^%$#@*&^!!!

Your whole pretty uneventful yet suddenly fabulous life flashes in front of you and you wonder why in the world (and in hell) you needed ten shots of some lime green concoction at Steve’s lame New Year’s party!?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN? BB...BUT WE WERE CAREFUL!?
Your head is spinning and the woman in front of you is smiling from ear to ear like that Joker guy in the Batman movies. What was her name again? Trudy? Lucy? Nancy? And WHY and HOW IS SHE CARRYING YOUR CHILD!!!? Ok. Forget I asked ‘how’.

‘What!’ You ask. The terror comes from the reality that this Trudy-Lucy-Nancy person has been trying to get into your mix for a while now and you never bothered because well, she’s just not your type of girl!
Digging into your close to bankrupt memory bank, you remember going to Steve’s party and vowing to drink to oblivion. You recall Trudy smiling at you from across the room and you smiling back. The rest is a blur as the name ‘baby daddy’ seizes to be a joke on someone else.

The above scenario is becoming very common in the Nairobi dating scene. And the scary thing is that it doesn’t take one to be dead drunk for it to happen. Men, be warned. There is a new GMO breed of Kenyan gold diggers and they are known as ‘Dumpster Divers’.

Disclaimer: The information you are about to read may prove disturbing to some.
Dumpster Divers are women who will go digging into your trash for your used condom and empty its contents into their vajayjays. Disgusted and shocked? Good. Now you know.
Contrary to what you may think, these group of women are not limited to just the one night stands nor those in the ‘friends with benefits’ file. These may include that girlfriend you know at the back of your head YOU WILL NEVER MARRY.AS IN; NEVER EVER. Another possible Dumpster Driver is that girl who has been on your case, trying to get you to notice her for the past five hundred years (you catch my drift). She is well aware of the fact that that one night is all that she may EVER have to be a permanent fixture in your life. And she will milk it in every possible way.

How does it happen?

Scenerio one:

They take out their own condoms and give them to you as ‘they do not wanna get knocked up’ and so have to be prepared. Little do you know, the damn rubber has tiny holes in it. Two months later, Trudy-Lucy-Nancy is preggars and in tears. She wonders how it happened to her, yet as he is well aware, she has been protecting herself. The woman is an emotional mess having never imagined carrying a child out of wedlock and abortion would NEVER be an option she could ever consider. What is she going to do?
Your guilt checks in. Are you going to destroy this wonderful girl’s life and her chances of marrying another man? Or will you make an honest woman of her already!!!!?

Scenario two:

You’re done and she either offers to dispose of the condom for you or distracts you somehow gets a hold of it. She goes to the bathroom and does the unthinkable. At this point, kindly fill in the blanks for yourself.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! That’s how you become a daddy!
Scared? Me too.

Broke guys, no need to worry. You’re very safe.
So next time you decide to take ten shots and smile at Trudy-Lucy-Nancy from across the room at some lame party, know the game you’re in and play it with deep caution..

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