Tuesday, January 29, 2013

TALES OF THE LAZY AND THE ILLUMINATI ORGY



Ok. So am one of those people who believe in conspiracy theories and that the world is controlled by a bunch of old geezers with ridiculous amounts of money. Yes, I believe in this big plan for the New World Order and total dominance over the world’s population. I believe that yes, they control all aspects of our lives from media, education, health, finance blah blah  blah.

Yep, I subscribed to the school of thought that dictates that there are secret societies that control world government and are controlling us through games, music and movies. I believe in mind control (eg. MK Ultra), that face book is some serious CIA BS and that the RFID chip will be the beginning of the end. I know. Am beyond a nut job.
Over to my point. Having told you all the above, you should by now know that when I label some people crazy-lunatics (coming from a nut job like me) it’s damn serious. In all the madness that is the world, we need to learn how to separate conspiratual (is there such a word? Oh well, now there is!) facts and simple stupidity.

Over to my lovely country. Kenya, that not too tiny place on the map, on some right hand corner on the African map. The land where EVERY SEMI-SUCCESSFUL ARTIST is being labeled Illuminati.

Ridiculous! I know.

For those who have just tuned in to the world of conspiracy theories, the Illuminati is some SECRET society that controls the world as explained above. Members include first world presidents, billionaire businessmen, people of royal blood, religious heads, artists of great influence… This society has roots are traced back all the way to the Knights Templar. They are believed to be anti-God and all things good for human consumption. However, remember they are a SECRET SOCIETY.

Back to my lovely African state. It is ridiculous that Kenyan musicians are being labeled Illuminati by the self entitled ‘all knowing’ youngsters. Youngsters who by the look of things are so deprived, to the point where when an artist purchases a second/ third hand Mercedes, are seen to be making some obscene amounts of cash…only made possible by ties with the so called Illuminati.

STOP. LAUGHING.

I will accept Beyonce, Jay Z, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Kanye… Alicia Keys…their ilk. But Kenyan artists? Why would the Illuminati bother when western musicians are already quite effective in their brainwash? How much command does a Kenyan artist command anyway? What? 100,000 youths who will never even buy their original records?
The Illuminati is secret. SECRET. Can you spell that? Good. Get a dictionary and look up the meaning.

The Illuminati have money that is never even considered in the Forbes lists because it is both hidden and completely obscene. So no, dear naïve Kenyan youth. These artists are NOT Illuminati. Why? Contrary to what you think, they are far too inconsequential. And will be for a long while.

That said, there is an underlying issue here. Sheer laziness. Laziness to get up your ass and work your butt of for some cash. Just as these artists are doing. There is nothing Illuminati about earning money from sheer hard work and determination. It’s a mathematical equation that has proved to work through time. Try it. It just might bring you a few shillings and elevate you from the poverty that comes about with idleness.

Yes, this world is screwed to the core, but this kind of thinking will make you a mental prisoner and drag you into complete nothingness. 

Not every little thing has Illuminati fingerprints on it. Especially your lazy excuses.



Saturday, January 26, 2013

SHUT UP; YOU'RE A SLAVE

I GOT MONEY IN 'E BANK, AND A TRAILER LOADS 'O HOES!
SHUT UP, YOU'RE A SLAVE, AND THE RIGHTS YOU THINK YOU HAVE, I CAUSE YOU TO THINK SO.

By 1808 the importation of slaves was outlawed in America. However, by the 1850's the cotton fields and plantations were thriving in the south. So much did the south need the slaves that by 1861 eleven slave states broke away from the confederate states of America leading to the American civil war. The years after 1808, slavery relied on reproduction so as to drive up the economies of the slave states.

WHEN THE 13th amendment took effect courtesy of Lincoln in 1865, up to 12 million slaves had been shipped from Africa to the Americas and the majority was taken to sugar plantations of the West Indies or Brazil. About 700,000 of them were brought into what is now known as the United States and by 1860; a slave census put them at 4 million.

Clearly, the Americas thrived on the economies made possible by the exploitation of an imported black race. Clearly, the booming business was only made possible by the existence of chattel slavery, the owning of a human being and all of his immediate descendants. 

It was followed by "missionaries" traveling to inhabit Africa, and enslave not the physical being of the "primitive" man, but now his conscience, his mind, his existence. When Lincoln abolished slavery, did he organize mass shipment of the unwilling blackies back to Africa? Of course not, they were now Americans, hundreds of years had passed since they arrived in the Americas, and since they were almost all poor anyway, they’d enslave themselves to earn a living anyway by being workers.

These workers ended up back in most of those plantations anyway, and coal mines etc etera.. Abraham Lincoln had scored a major intellectual battle. He had been able to “retain” slaves in America by freeing them from the bondage of slavery but releasing them to “explore” their freedoms in America and contribute to the building of the American economy.

Indentured servitude was a form of debt bondage, established in the early years of the American colonies. Farmers, planters, and shopkeepers in the colonies found it very difficult to hire free workers, primarily because it was so easy for potential workers to set up their own farms.  Consequently, a common solution was to transport a young worker from England or Germany, who would work for several years to pay off the debt of their travel costs. During the indenture period the servants were not paid wages, but were provided with food, accommodation, clothing and training. The indenture document specified how many years the servant would be required to work, after which they would be free.

So now, we had indentured servants and disenfranchised freed slaves roaming Americas seeking relevance and a livelihood. In return, the continents these “servants” came from continued to lose human resource. The missionary did a good job to stagnate their intellect and industry by selling medicine and the good old book in exchange for their free will and exploratory powers.

To digress, the Soviets and the Chinese were largely uncharted by these scheming “owners” and that is why America’s main threat today remains the two; economically, and sometime in future, even militarily. The first real foreign ambassadors from Britain and subsequently the United States were bible wielding mercenaries. Their battle was the “native’s mind, not the flesh.  When they captivated and captured the imaginations of South Asia, Africa, the Caribbean and South America, they had only “upgraded” the slave trade. The west was sold to the world as the land of opportunity; their preferred tools of war; THE BIBLE, PAPER MONEY AND THE MEDIA.

Africa to date still has unprocessed minerals…diamonds, Gold, Oil, metals, food, water, animals and people. Africa to date still languishes in poverty of mind and resource.

The modern slave has been totally made to believe the West is the world’s nirvana. Like the freed slaves, or the indentured servants, they live, and work in America, toiling their “AMERICAN” earned brains out, to serve and build the American economy.

"An African family will sell their African crops, to earn African money to send their child to an American university, marketed properly by the “Bishop”. The little African money will be sent to the American university, to boost the American foreign exchange, and once the child completes his studies, works and toils his years out, building the American economy. Every 100 dollars sent back to the home country by this child will be a small price to pay for every 10,000 dollars the child makes the American economy."

What is my point? My point is that, slavery did not end; it just became disguised as the “American” dream.  Media became the best outreach tool…. Christian scholarships became the best marketing gimmick. “Give them a little American civilization, and they’ll tell the rest and they’ll all flock in”.

Mexico; Borders the United States of America, so much that you can actually “import” yourself to the USA through a tunnel opening up into an Arizonian gas station toilet.

Mexico; is still a third world economy.

China thrives today and continues to threaten America because everything they own including the alphabet is Chinese. Everything including trade, media, society, currency, lifestyle, industry…is Chinese.
Existence of doomsday cults and mind enslavement that stymies development, as in Africa, south Asia and the Americas, don’t exist.

Pray to God, and build your country. Pray to God, and create a better world, where we exchange culture and norms, where we all live as different, one people.

Slavery still exists. It exists in every form and every way. Look around you, and you shall see it,you shall feel it.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

AFRICA AND THE NEANDERTHAL MINDSET

DIAMONDS ARE CUT IN BLOOD

Almost half a century later, we are still blaming the white man for our incompetence. News flash; the whole world at some point, was under some kind of foreign power and the moment you finally get to raise your post independence flag…time to stop with the excuses. Nobody gives a hoot anymore.

Civilizations have gone to the moon and back and we still can’t feed ourselves to save our lives (Pun intended). It’s shocking and saddening that the world’s richest continent in terms of natural resources should still languish is such abject poverty, so many years on.

60% of the world’s arable land is in Africa but one thing I will guarantee you is that the second scramble for Africa has started and if we continue with business as usual, others will be feeding us for years to come. If you think the Berlin Conference was bad; try Part Two of the tragic-comedy of ‘Africa Never Learns’. (Coming soon to a theater near you.) Let the new age presence and settlement of foreigners in Africa bring the point home. When will it hit you dear motherland, that THIS IS the next frontier after Asia? This is the continent of the future but we still live in the here and now notwithstanding the reality that the rest of the world is light years ahead.

A continent so full of promise and we still cannot mine and refine our own minerals without heavy reliance on international entities. The moment the colonialists took our culture, religion and language, we fell into a terminal form of mental slavery that we will possibly never recover.

Africa  can no longer afford to look for its sense of self worth from the Africa that existed before we even got to the Homo Sapiens stage of evolution (a bit of hyperbole but you catch my drift). This persistent search for self confidence by referencing the achievements of ancient African Kingdoms such as Egypt is really quite sad to say the least. It simply proves to the rest of humanity that we never evolved with it.

Coup d’etat!!? Mali really. What year is this again? When humans are communicating via holograms we are still having COUP D’ETATS!!?  Not to mention those presidents we carried over from the lower Paleolithic period are still sitting in their thrones. Until when dear Africa?

Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, South Korea…the list is endless; we could have had these countries’ economies for dinner and then some by now but development is not part of our plan is it? Heck; even desserts like the UAE are way ahead of us in basic things like food production.

In this day and age we have our people dying of malnutrition, malaria and cholera.  Most parts of our gorgeous continent have no access to water and electricity. And whenever we want to defend dictators who will not relinquish power, we cry sovereignty; yet we are quick to appeal to the international community to feed us when famine hits. If you cannot put food in your mouth then forget you ever fought for any form of independence.

Mental slavery; this inherent belief that we are incapable has got to be done away with. We cannot hold on to past achievements if they won’t inspire us to reach for greatness in the modern era. We had better wake up because the history of the African and his contributions to mankind cannot start and end in the pre-historic era.

So enough with the blame game. The primary law of nature dictates that if you do not evolve, you die. If you are stupid enough, your tools and means of survival will be taken away from you. This world is a jungle and it’s either you hunt fast enough or run fast enough to ensure the survival of your species. Choose; if you should to live as the lion or the gazelle. And should the lion catch you and have you for brunch, don’t blame him for outsmarting your Neanderthal ass!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

ELEVEN REASONS I LOVE KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS


  1. Life gave her lemons and she made a sex tape!
  2. She started as a ‘porn star’ and now she’s a super star. Such a role model!
  3. She’s dated more men than…(think of all the people you’ve known on earth since creation)
  4. If she were to go back twenty years, she’d say ‘when I grow up I wanna be a______ (insert Kim K’s career name here)
  5. She’s keepin’ Kanye busy. Otherwise he’d be hitting out at some other artist during some award ceremony. Good job Kimmie Wimmie!!!
  6. Her name starts with a K. That is MAJOR!!!
  7. She’s proved to us, that our mother’s aren’t too bad. They may be money hungry, stage controlling freaks who tell us to pick fights with our men for the cameras for the $$$$$! But hey…still not as Krazy!!!
  8. She’s busted the myth that states you cannot have a basketball star for a husband and a super star rapper for a baby daddy; all at the same time! Oh Kimmie; you rock!!!
  9. Kimmzie has proven you can be influential just by influencing the demographic of instagram twitter-esque guys and set trends for the masses. No idea what am talking about? That’s how I feel about Kim’s job description.
  10.  Love her ass because she has proven that life indeed is unfair (forget the crap our parents feed us). That indeed looks DO matter and being little perfect moral girls GETS US NOWHERE*&^%$#!!!!
  11. That without ‘sex tape’ on your resume… YOU WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING!!! You hear me? NOTHING!!! (insert evil laugh)

THE OPPORTUNISTIC ‘SECOND WIFE’ AND THE END OF HUMAN DIPLOMACY


Nothing makes me want to jump on nails and drink chlorine out of irritation more than that woman whose sole purpose in life, is to get into the wallet of some rich married man with a wife and kids, via his unzipped pants. If you as much as disagree with this statement thus far, kindly log out of this blog post, and go find something else to do on the net. My views on this matter may annoy you.

Succeeding in this life is nothing short of hard work, sweat, wit, intelligence, tears, disappointment and near death experiences. Very many times when a man is trying to make it out of his dirt bag broke existence, he has a woman who stands by him, supports him in the lowest of times and believes in his wild, and at most times crazy dreams. She is there through the rejection and turmoil; it is them against the world. A two troop army with poverty and the rest of humanity as the enemy.

HE IS MY SOUL MATE
Decades later, the couple has teenage kids; they are living the fast life like an old married couple. And thus the loophole where some bimbo sees an entry point to sell fantasy to the now middle aged man with a short memory.

This is the point at which the lazy gold digger with heartless ambitions sees a means to a lifetime of overseas trips and designer store membership cards. She’s a master seductress who will never tire to do things to your husband that you would never be caught dead contemplating.

At this point, it can be argued that the husband should know better and that the wife should put in some time to learn some karma sutra positions but those are topics for another day.

Today’s discussion is about that woman who thinks that just because she can spread her legs and make a child with a man, she deserves half your hard earned property. Like really. Even a mentally challenged rat can do that. For me, that is where human diplomacy ends and the mother of all battles is born.
Where was she when he was some nobody without a cent to his name? Where was she during the tears and hard times? During the disappointments and endless bouts of depression? If you were not part of the tears, I see no reason you should be part of the cheers. And anybody who thinks otherwise needs a serious head bashing!

Friday, January 18, 2013

KENYA AIRWAYS AND AIRBORNE SENSUAL SEDUCTION


“I had to wonder if men were so blinded by beauty that they would feel privileged to live their lives with an actual demon, so long as it was a beautiful demon.”    Memoirs of a Geisha.

 “Some coffee, Sir?”  The gorgeous cabin crew attendant breaks into such a gorgeous smile, you feel as if you are flying first class.

As you watch her gracefully walk away, you recall why you chose this airline in the first place; taking a sip of your coffee, you realize that the advertisement you watched of the airline did little justice to the attendants. Absolutely gorgeous; like flying “Air Miss Universe.” Only that they get to serve you coffee and call you Sir. A stupid smile pasted on your face, as you lean back and dream of your next interaction with her.

Since the very beginning, beautiful women have been able to, in one way or another, aid in the building or the destruction of kingdoms. From Eve, Delilah, Monica Lewinsky and even Esther in the Bible. Women have been known to change the world with nothing but a beautiful face and sensual seduction to match.

THE PRIDE OF THE JUNGLE
Men are visual creatures and any company worth its salt would use this genetic predisposition as an entry point for one of its main marketing strategies.
Thus explains my beef with Kenya Airways. 

The airline is registering losses like it’s the new black and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. Gone are the days when being an air hostess (as they were famously known) was every little girl’s dream. Seeing those tall women moving magically in their uniforms was like watching the runway of some beauty competition. Watching them made us dream of the world beyond the skies. A world of fantasy and glamour that only the plane could take you to. 

What Kenya Airways fails to understand is that these women not only work for the airline, but are also a means of marketing our country. 

I shook my head in despair as I watched Kenyan cabin crew attendants during recent the strike and it was rather obvious why KQ was/is struggling. The company’s management needs to bring in replacements and fast. 

Though KQ problems may be bigger than just pretty faces in airplane isles, one thing remains sure; KQ needs to embrace the power of visual allure if they are to move forward into the competitive world of aviation.  If they fail to do something about this issue, they will have hurdles to jump, years to come. Watch Emirates, Virgin Atlantic or Korean Air ads and realize that these international airlines are not stupid in using the visual appeal to market even the most boring of services like transport. It’s an age old secret that Kenya Airways can only ignore at its own peril. Time to rediscover ‘the pride of Africa.’

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

OF DUMPSTER DIVERS AND KENYAN BABY DADDYS


(Revised edition)
‘CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You’re going to be a daddy.’ You stare at the woman in front of you wondering why she looks so familiar.

Then it hits you. OH CRAP&^%$#@*&^!!!

Your whole pretty uneventful yet suddenly fabulous life flashes in front of you and you wonder why in the world (and in hell) you needed ten shots of some lime green concoction at Steve’s lame New Year’s party!?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN? BB...BUT WE WERE CAREFUL!?
Your head is spinning and the woman in front of you is smiling from ear to ear like that Joker guy in the Batman movies. What was her name again? Trudy? Lucy? Nancy? And WHY and HOW IS SHE CARRYING YOUR CHILD!!!? Ok. Forget I asked ‘how’.

‘What!’ You ask. The terror comes from the reality that this Trudy-Lucy-Nancy person has been trying to get into your mix for a while now and you never bothered because well, she’s just not your type of girl!
Digging into your close to bankrupt memory bank, you remember going to Steve’s party and vowing to drink to oblivion. You recall Trudy smiling at you from across the room and you smiling back. The rest is a blur as the name ‘baby daddy’ seizes to be a joke on someone else.

The above scenario is becoming very common in the Nairobi dating scene. And the scary thing is that it doesn’t take one to be dead drunk for it to happen. Men, be warned. There is a new GMO breed of Kenyan gold diggers and they are known as ‘Dumpster Divers’.

Disclaimer: The information you are about to read may prove disturbing to some.
Dumpster Divers are women who will go digging into your trash for your used condom and empty its contents into their vajayjays. Disgusted and shocked? Good. Now you know.
Contrary to what you may think, these group of women are not limited to just the one night stands nor those in the ‘friends with benefits’ file. These may include that girlfriend you know at the back of your head YOU WILL NEVER MARRY.AS IN; NEVER EVER. Another possible Dumpster Driver is that girl who has been on your case, trying to get you to notice her for the past five hundred years (you catch my drift). She is well aware of the fact that that one night is all that she may EVER have to be a permanent fixture in your life. And she will milk it in every possible way.

How does it happen?

Scenerio one:

They take out their own condoms and give them to you as ‘they do not wanna get knocked up’ and so have to be prepared. Little do you know, the damn rubber has tiny holes in it. Two months later, Trudy-Lucy-Nancy is preggars and in tears. She wonders how it happened to her, yet as he is well aware, she has been protecting herself. The woman is an emotional mess having never imagined carrying a child out of wedlock and abortion would NEVER be an option she could ever consider. What is she going to do?
Your guilt checks in. Are you going to destroy this wonderful girl’s life and her chances of marrying another man? Or will you make an honest woman of her already!!!!?

Scenario two:

You’re done and she either offers to dispose of the condom for you or distracts you somehow gets a hold of it. She goes to the bathroom and does the unthinkable. At this point, kindly fill in the blanks for yourself.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! That’s how you become a daddy!
Scared? Me too.

Broke guys, no need to worry. You’re very safe.
So next time you decide to take ten shots and smile at Trudy-Lucy-Nancy from across the room at some lame party, know the game you’re in and play it with deep caution..

Monday, January 14, 2013

THE TALE OF KENYAN TELEVISION AND THE DEATH OF HUMAN INTELLIGENCE



Kenya was recently voted amongst the worst places to be born in. Haha. My apologies but yes, I find it quite hilarious. And anyway, it might be true if Tana River is anything to go by, though am cock sure the voters of that particular poll must have been watching Kenyan television channels on Election Day. After all, Kenyan entertainment will make you want to befriend a screwdriver and chew on razors. Literally. Is it just me, or there seems to be some sort of policy against any trace of intelligence in our television content?

A five year study from UTMTC (University of Tuuze Ma-Degree Tudosike Chapchap); Department of Haribubongology just released its findings on the subject and the results are disturbing to say the least. 

For further information on the research findings, kindly refer to Professor Geosphine Wakaranga’s thesis titled ‘The Abunwasi who discovered and Unleashed Naija Movies and Phillipino Soap Operas to the Kenyan Populace ’08-‘13 ’.

The half decade project research revealed that the biggest effect on the Kenyan brain our television content has had, is that our women and children now talk in those hideous (YES,I SAID IT; HIDEOUS) Naija accents. As if that is not torture enough already, they make those mentally exhausting storylines points of references for their own miserable lives. If I hear one more ‘let me tell you my sista OH! Hata Mama G alikuwa na hiyo shida kwa hile movie ‘Oga Goes to the Witchdoctor’… Mother-in-law wa Naomie ni kama huyo kabisa OH!’ 

SERIOUSLY@*^%#!!!!? Find a tree stump and bash your head with it. 

THIS IS AN ACTUAL NAIJA MOVIE COVER
Matters even more disturbing; the demographic that talks like this is not just the house helps. Even some of the self-entitled ‘young and suave’ Nairobi chiquititas are rocking the Nigerian madness. I wonder if it’s because they need something to match those wigs?
When you study ‘Educational Psychology in Television 101’ you will learn that; audio visuals are some of THE most effective teaching aids there are. What happens when the television is on and your eyes are glued to it is referred to as ‘programming’ for good reason. You see, what we watch on television affects how we think, dress, talk and relate. In some cases, our level of exposure informs what we aspire to become. 

Hence my question; how does Papa Shirandula, Inspekta Mwala, Beba Beba, El SalvaWTF&^%# ‘program’ us and propel our thinking higher up the intelligence pyramid compared to say… the National Geographic and Discovery Channels? Heck; even the Series Channel teaches a thing or two.
Life imitates art and vice versa. Whichever way you spin this dice…it spells doom for the consumer of our local content currently on air.

There are so many Kenyan production companies with amazing content that for some reason never see the light of day. Bureaucracy and conservative-parastatal like mindsets deciding what goes on air, are in no doubt to blame for the sorry state of affairs on our local television channels. 

Case in point; how much do you know of the rest of the African continent? The world? Kenyan cultures? It simply takes one to watch subscription television to realize that we have a serious deficiency! Our disgruntled youth is finding escape in Ksh 50 pirated and x-rated content and our men are cursing Mututho because they need a drink in the bars now more than ever. 

We have become the soap opera/ Naija movies dumpsite capital of the world. 
 
Television programming is more than just the entertainment value it gives; it’s also serves as an avenue for the decimation of information. There is a spin off effect on our intelligence, our problem solving capabilities and no doubt it also dictates the level of sophistication (or lack thereof) in our day to day conversations.

My suggestion therefore is that local stations realize that not everybody is into this epidemic and it’s up to them to salvage their reputation and win back the rest of us who still have hope yet. Give us alternative content!